- Hey, how are you doing today man, it’s been long since our last talk.
- Yeah, it was long, and I really need someone beside me now.
- What happened? you seem not well.
- I am destroyed …
- What? … why?!
- Today was my worst day, maybe ever. I am ruined, feel guilty and whatever else that is related to unhappiness.
- Alright … would you just calm down, and tell me the story.
- Okay! but don’t be annoyed if I cry, because I am so ready to pour tears.
- Don’t worry mate, everything is going to be fine isA.
- Well, today at college, there was a project delivery, and like most projects, and due to time stress, some team members, including me, did most of the work. Other projects’ most work was done by other team members. Since forever, that’s the case, sometimes, the not participating team members in a project understand the code very well, and some other times, due to time stress, they just get its idea. Actually, me and my team delivered till now, like all projects in all the college years, in the same way; we divide the work by project, and when delivery time comes, we make a small meeting to complete the understanding by all team members.
- Not cool!, sorry, but doesn’t that mean that each team member works only on some projects, while he is supposed to work on all of them.
- That’s not the case when you go to college 12 hours a day plus 3 hours of transportation plus the spending vacation days in individual assignments and the mid-terms, the team members barely meet before the delivery. Also, many TA’s know that well, so they don’t ask the other team members, in fact, we just did that in our last project delivery.
- So … what happened today?
- Today … the Dr was in charge of the project discussion, ___
- Hey … calm down man, why are you crying?
- I don’t know, I feel really bad now, some of the team members today were wronged, the Dr gave them no marks, just after knowing that they were working on other projects. I know that this is wrong, but it is just the way it works in our college.
- Why didn’t you tell him about that?
- Tell him ?! … I stood like the rest of the lab trying to convince him about that, the only difference between us and the other teams is that he asked us: “who did the work?”, and I know for sure, that many teams did exactly what we did.
- Would you please calm down?
- I was honest with him from the beginning, I didn’t want my team to be asked in something they didn’t work on, and I feel guilty about that, God! if I were just smarter, I could’ve told him that they actually worked, because they understand it you know, but no chance, he heard the word from me, put the marks, and finished the discussion. This Dr loves me and trusts me very well, but I don’t know what’s wrong. After the lab, I got up to his office, and strived to give them their grades, but no way. I feel so stupid, I feel that I am the reason those guys were wronged like that. I don’t deserve nothing from their work from now on.
- Okay … first of all, your team knows for well that you did your best and that’s not your fault, and by the way, it’s about the whole system rather than a specific team. Second, your team will appreciate what you did today. Third__
- I can’t imagine even looking into their eyes again. How can I have any comfort with them having no marks, how can I __
- Third! … you can talk to the Dr again, send him a mail or anything. And, you know, I don’t think this grade will last like this, I think he put the zero for some reason and he will replace it isA.
- If you can just imagine my hopes that this is true.
- It will be isA. But really, ibhog, you’re such a delicate guy, I didn’t know that.
- If you were me, you would’ve done the same. If you know how I felt when I got out from his office after an end-to-nothing discussion, you would really do what I am doing now. I was well, but something happened that made me so shy, crying from the inside, I felt broken, wronged and sad. I was ruined when I remembered that they are now working on a project that we will deliver in a week, how, do you think, they feel right now?. It was an avalanche of thoughts, hard feelings, bad feelings, silent screams, thousand questions. I suddenly found myself pouring tears. I felt like alone, suddenly with all people looking at me with fury, I felt like I am guilty with all the bad sins in this life. I felt that this life is just allergic to pure happiness and comfort, things can turn upside down and downside up in a moment, I found myself with no mouth and ears that hear all the bad words in the world. When I cried, I tried to hide with my hands, but no way. I don’t know why? … why I am the one who got survived not them, why on earth did it happen that way. I say it, from the deepest hole in my broken heart, I am sorry, for my friends, and I am more sorry that sorry won’t do them nothing, I am sorry for being such a foul teammate, and I warn you from making friends like me again, because I am the worst type there is. If you looked at the way their faces appeared after the lab, you would knew what I am talking about. I am sorry, I know I am a headache, I always am …
- No, just go on.
- I really have nothing more to say than a thousand times sorry. I can’t imagine how ironic things can get, what happened to me today smashed so fast and hard on me, it felt like my heart turned into a breaking cocoon, emitting all the liquids that evoke all the hurting memories I have, depressing enough to make the tearing apart reach my outside body, my walk was something like an injured world war soldier, my talk was something horrible like in an accident newspaper entry, my feeling was like a father seeing his son falling from above the highest mountain, like a mother who lost her small daughter in a crowd, like someone who lost his only precious thing, his inner white flower, his breathing part of his soul. It was like all the good things were spirited away in a sudden, far, unreachable and continuously vanishing. The warmth of the beautiful shadows of good words you sometimes hear turned into a deserted silent place with whispering ghosts that tell you: “you are wrong, you are wrong”. Fluctuating wishes between catching upon something to just hold steady and not fall apart and the wish that you actually tear down and evaporate from in front the people who you wronged. If there is a machine that says the words, sorry, forgive me, I won’t do that again, all the time, I would make it my best gift ever and deliver it to my friends’ hands. So, sorry again, again and again.
- You know, ibhog, you’re a good example of fidelity, yeah, you’re faithful, and above all, you’re a rare type, maybe bad sometimes, but not this time, your friends would be happy about how you feel and care about them, you have to believe in them. About life, that just is life; cruel, hard and so changing. You have to stand up and bear.
- Gimmy told me that today! I like him so much, he told me “ibhog, not every situation deserves, you’re a finer man to me than you are now, so get the grip man”, I wish I can thank him one day on these words, and of course Mohamed, he stayed with me after it, we got out, had talks … and got home at last.
- That’s really good, see, your friends are on your side, they always are and will. And I have an advice for you, look more far on the horizon, maybe this will be good for you in some coming time, who knows, your friends now love you more, you proved that you care about them.
- I wish if I can wipe out this situation from our friendship.
- This situation would probably make it more strong.
- Really? do you really mean that.
- Yes! besides knowing you’re a fool … haha … just kidding.
- I am a fool. I always am a damn fool!
- Easy mate.
- The funny thing is that this is my first time crying inside college. Thank God, it was about my friends not the college itself, you know, if I was the one who got no marks, I would be really happy now. In fact, I think seriously about giving up the rest of the projects this term.
- Now that is really foolish, what exactly did you solve by doing this?
- The problem of me being restful. I mean that really.
- I’ll pretend not hearing this, and I am sure that your mates will say the same about it. Can you, one time in your miserable life, trust the people who love you and feel some good about them, and above all, trust yourself, it doesn’t matter what people say, be yourself and everything will be just fine, be true to yourself and follow your heart. I assure that yourself sheds many about loyalty and friendship, stick to the good in this life, it deserves bearing the bad things for, be adaptable, somethings are just not well, but others, are so good for sure. ibhog, you have to think better of yourself, and don’t worry about your friends, they will be fine. You said it yourself, happiness is really not about being happy only, it’s about struggling and living some hard, this will make happiness more beautiful and unforgettable. It’s true; life is allergic to happiness, happiness is a dream, a dream can come true by living some hard life! so, actually, real happiness comes after hard times. I don’t believe that fast easy happiness can last long. You have to define some rules in the inside of you, those include the real meaning of being happy about something, the real meaning of being sorry, and I think you did that, the ultimate reason behind the many hard times many, and I mean many, people have all the time. Many times, the uttermost pity someone can have is for a weird reason really, like a rich man who lost a million whatever deal, that’s besides the other millions he have, on the other hand, the utmost happiness can really elicit on the scene of a smiling sweating father, returning home after a hard day and giving his wife and children the most lovely hugs there are. I think you get what I mean. After all, I think life is a rally that can beat who understands the rules wrong, but for those people that have the right rules; hard times bring happiness, it’s not about the quantity of things, grades or money … and all these rules, those people are the ones that wins the rally of life with pride. Again, I am really sure that things are going to be fine isA.
- I really hope so. Thanks for the encouraging word.
- You’re welcome any time 
To be continued,
